We never want to be one of those drunk people that pass out before everyone else. It never turns out as we hope it will. This Reddit user shared her story of when her husband passed out drunk, and she shaved his chest. She said, “I got some shaving cream, a razor, and a cup of water and shaved his chest baby smooth. I was even careful around the nipples.” Let’s just say, the next morning, her husband was not happy. He sent her a slew of angry messages before finally accepting the situation. At least his hair will grow back. Kudos to that wife (via Princess4getme).
Drunk people can’t do the math. It’s common knowledge that it just never works out. They can’t add correctly and usually mistake bills for a different amount. This woman mistakenly thought she was doing a good deed and tipping the taxi driver very well. She slipped the driver a $10 bill, winked, and told him to keep the change, but the ride cost $24. Maybe she thought she was handing him two twenty-dollar bills. You can guess the cab driver wasn’t too happy and there was an awkward conversation following the exchange. We can’t blame her, though, because we’ve all been there (via Reddit).
It’s always interesting when we wake up in clothes other than the ones we wore out the night before. This Reddit user went out with her boyfriend one evening and woke up in a tablecloth and handcuffs. We can’t imagine why she was in a tablecloth, but, apparently, their drunk minds thought it was a good idea. She can’t remember what happened, but she assumes it was a good night (via Honkey_Cat). Or something.
We’ve seen drunk people stealing bikes, phones, and money on this list. But what about a paddleboat? One night, this Reddit user got so drunk that he and his friends stole a paddleboat. They told the ‘funny’ story, “Went to a friend’s house. Drank some brews. Stole the neighbor’s paddle boat. Went on a voyage at 2 a.m. Picked up a friend across the lake. Continued on the voyage. The boat starts sinking. We abandon ship and had to walk 2 miles around the lake to get back.” What an awesome story, except for the fact that they abandoned their neighbor’s ship. We can assume their neighbor wasn’t happy to find out their stolen paddleboat sunk to the bottom of the lake (via AdamJacquese_).
Drunk people frequently seem to injure their hands or feet. It’s because we lose all our motor skills and think we have ingenious ideas. Those two together are recipes for disaster. This Reddit user woke up one morning and noticed their toes were cut up. They said, “I started to remember a dream I had where I could not open a window. Heading back up I saw bloody footprints on the stairs. Then, waking up all the way I noticed a framed picture on the floor, glass smashed. Suddenly, I remember pounding the “window” with both fists, trying to get it open.” It turns out their “dream” wasn’t a dream after all, and was instead a drunk memory. At least they only cut their toes and nothing else (via Grimsnot).
There are some drunk people out there who get smarter when they drink. Even though they’re few and far between, they are definitely out there. This woman is one of them. She couldn’t get a taxi home after a night out drinking. Instead of walking home or calling a friend, she decided to order a kebab delivery to her house. When the delivery driver showed up, she got into the car with him. It turns out he’s not only delivering her kebab but her, too. Next time you’re stuck in this sort of predicament, you might want to consider this as an option (via Reddit).
Many of us have a drunk alter ego. They’re the ones to blame after having that first sip of booze since anything that happens after that moment is not coming from our sober, rational minds. This Reddit user is no exception. On her 21st birthday, she was so wasted that she ran through the forest shouting that she was Katniss Everdeen. Then, she said, “I ended up by the river shouting quotes from Jurassic Park 3. Then my friend came with his harmonica, and we all laid there listening to him play it.” Honestly, that sounds like a fun night (via atomic peaches).
If you’ve ever woken up after a night out with a completely new look, you’re not alone. It happens to the best of us, and it turns out that drunk people are the best types to pick on. This Reddit user shares their experience of waking up with some interesting new additions. They said, “not sure what happened but I woke up the next morning with a mustache and two red dildos stuck to my head to make me look like some demented Satan.” We’re not sure what happened here, either, but it sounds like he had a fun (well, interesting, at least) night (via Reddit).
Drunk games are quite often the best games. They usually end up in a lot of laughter and confusion. No one wins and the game falls apart. This Reddit user decided to play a game called Edward 40 Hands, which is a common game played by drunk people, where you tape two 40-ounce bottles of beer to your hands and drink. They spent the night drinking and “chucking the empty 40s on top of the neighbor’s roof. This became known as the “Edward 40-toss”. The bottles would bounce on the roof and slide down from the peak, and usually pick up speed and then jump over the gutter and fall back down to the grass. Sometimes they would get stuck on the roof..” We’re not sure if this is a game we’d want to play (via -t0m-).
Things seem scarier when you’re drunk since it’s harder for you to process anything rationally. That includes getting chased by people in gorilla suits. This Reddit user experienced just that, and said, “my boyfriend, a few friends, and I were staying at one of the friend’s cabins for a few days. Unknown to most of us one of the friends brought his gorilla costume. Late at night after we’d be drinking heavily the guy put on the gorilla suit and chased me and one other person down the dirt road for a bit.” When she wasn’t freaking out anymore, she tried to strangle him (via monoxide_lullaby).
Being drunk can be confusing. When you’re wasted, you never know what’s going on. This Reddit user shared their experience of being so drunk that they had a 20-minute conversation with a goldfish. We’re not sure what they could possibly talk to a goldfish about for 20 minutes, but we assume it was quite a stimulating conversation. Maybe the goldfish was even responding to them. We would’ve loved to see this in real life. Drunk people do some of the funniest things in the world (via iDoctor).
Drunk people sometimes assign meaning to inanimate objects, like chairs or lamps. This Reddit user’s drunk friend found a rock he found important to him after a night out drinking. But it doesn’t stop there. His friends lost him, and the next day, his friends heard about a guy throwing rocks through windows. Minutes later, he was walking by their window wearing only torn socks and holding a rock. They assumed he was the guy throwing rocks through the windows and he was caught red-handed (via Grimsnot).
We’ve read about some strange stories on this list, but this one has to top them all. Again, drunk people have the most fascinating ideas. This Reddit user said, “I got super cross faded the night before my buddy’s wedding and proceeded to break 2 mirrors over my head, then use same head to smash a hole into a door. Also, disassemble a bunk bed at the campground we were at, and then finish off the night by doing some bloodletting with a piece of said broken mirrors ala Billy in the movie Predator. I write it all off by saying that I had watched Conan the Barbarian the night before and was channeling the barbarian spirit.”
He absolutely channeled his barbarian spirit. But it’s not something we would recommend before a friend’s wedding (via dankwyzzard).
It’s never fun getting locked out of your house. But have you ever gotten locked inside somewhere? There are drunk people out there who certainly have, just like this Reddit user’s friend. His friend “winds up in a parking garage. The garage closes for the night. He pulls the fire alarm, police, fire, etc. all show up. He comes casually walking out, tells the nearest officer “It’s okay, I’m a Secret Service agent”. Cop takes one look, tells him to GTFO.” At least he didn’t get into trouble and has a good story out of it (via mikehill33).