These People Shared Their Deepest, Darkest Confessions Online

Cat Language

We all have a special voice we use when we speak to our pets. It’s usually high-pitched, cute, and a voice we would never use anywhere else. This person confessed they learned a language from their cat.

They said, “I fluently speak a gibberish language that was taught to me by a cat. (& no it’s not just meowing or cat noises… sounds more like a Sim language).” Maybe they’re onto something and created a new language (via Reddit).

Car Looters

Alright, stealing is bad. We all agree about that. Many of us have confessions involving theft hidden deep without our psyche. It’s something we don’t want to admit since it’s a horrible thing to do. Karma usually comes back to bite us, which is why we avoid it at all costs. This Reddit user said they were “checking for unlocked car doors and looting valuables late at night and we had tons of valuables in our pockets.

“Eventually, we came across a Simpson’s backpack that we were going to steal to carry all of our stolen goodies in. I opened up the backpack to find a School ID of a chubby fifth grader. The poor kid had all of his school work and essential items, but being the scumbag I was- we took the backpack and dumped all of the kid’s stuff into some bushes a couple of neighborhoods over.”

That’s horrible. No one, especially a fifth grader, deserves that kind of treatment. This Reddit user probably got what he deserved. He said, “even though we stole a lot of stuff, that one bothered me. I can’t even imagine having all of my sh** stolen and having to have my parents rebuy everything just because some d**chebag stole my bag and needed a bag to carry all of his stolen stuff in.”

At least this guy has a conscious and felt bad about stealing. There are just some people you don’t steal from in this life, and a child is one of them. “Eventually got caught, haven’t stolen a thing since and try hard to redeem me by being a good person. Even snapped on my little brother when I caught him trying to steal at a grocery store, I was a really bad example.” Dark confessions are a way for people to lessen their guilt-ridden conscious, so at least this guy learned from his mistakes (via Reddit).

Gauged Ears

People have strange fetishes. For some reason or another, humans are attracted to things that most people would shy away from and find disgusting. When confessions involve these secrets, they’re pretty interesting and we can’t help but want to hear them. This Reddit user said, “I used to like the smell of my girlfriend’s gauged ears. I always thought everyone else’s stunk, but there’s something about hers that got me going. She let them heal back up though.”

Sadly, this boyfriend didn’t get to smell his girlfriend’s gauged ears anymore. It’s probably a good thing, all things considered. Maybe he should gauge his ears so he can smell them whenever he wants (via Reddit).

Left-Handed Liar

When we tell lies, it’s usually for a reason, like not wanting to hurt someone. Other times, we lie for no apparent reason. This Reddit user told us one of the strangest and most pointless confessions on this list. They said, “I told people I was left-handed when I knew I was right-handed, I did this for 4 years.” We’re not sure why they would do this, but it happened. Maybe they had a good reason to do it (via Reddit).

Nose Picker

We’re all guilty of doing disgusting stuff when we’re by ourselves. There’s no one around, so there’s no need to stay clean and orderly. This is one of those confessions that hits too close to home. This person said, “I pick my nose anytime I’m alone. Like hardcore, really get in there. And I almost always eat whatever I dig out. I’m an upper-middle-class, petite, soccer mom. If you saw me on the street, you definitely wouldn’t take me for a booger eater.”

Now, that’s not what you expect to hear from a Suburban soccer mom. These are the best kinds of confessions. Some people wander around with the dirtiest secrets of all time, this soccer mom included (via Reddit).

Zombie Apocalypse

Many of us probably secretly wish there was a zombie apocalypse. We want to be the heroes of our reality, and the thought of it is enough to get us excited. One of the confessions this person tells us involves a little bit more than zombies.

They said, “when I’m ever on a train and listening to music I fantasize that the train suddenly stops at a station and zombies come out of nowhere, devouring everyone. I then drop my trousers and have sex with the first zombie I see.” That’s a bit further than most of us would go. At least they’re honest (via Reddit).

Punch For A Blunt

We’d do anything for our vice, getting punched included. This Reddit user said, “when I was fifteen I let a guy punch me in the gut for a blunt.”

Honestly, he’s probably not the first, or last, person to do that. At least he’s open about it, and at least he got his blunt in the end. Oftentimes, those things are worth it (via Reddit).

Too Thirsty

They say drinking your pee has health benefits. For some reason, this person decided to drink their pee more than one time. That’s not something many of us would do, ever, considering it’s gross.

“I used to pee and an empty cap, then take a sip of it. Mind you I didn’t drink it, after the sip, I just spit it out. Plus I was like 8 or 9.” At least they didn’t swallow it, but it’s still quite nasty. To be honest, they’re probably not the only ones who do this (via Reddit).

Troll Videos

Sending our friends embarrassing videos, in the hopes that they’ll open them in public, is one of the best pranks that exists. One of the confessions this Reddit user shared involved an embarrassing video.

He said, “I sent my Best Friend a video when he was in class, and the video was one of those troll videos. In other words, he put his phone to max volume to hear the “sound” that only 1% of ppl can hear. Then…. the classroom was filled with uh moaning.” We can only imagine the immense embarrassment this guy felt when he turned his volume up. There’s no getting away from that one (via Reddit).

Missing Money

When something of ours goes missing, our immediate reaction is to blame someone else. This Reddit user’s confession involves a missing 50 bucks and the loss of a friendship. “I became friends with this guy called R, we would play games together, work out, hang out and just have a great time. He once confessed to us that he used to steal things and he came from a rougher neighborhood but regretted it a lot and swore he would never do it again.”

We’d already be on high alert around this guy. But people have secret confessions from their past, and it doesn’t define who they are now. “I had a $50 bill I think in one of my drawers and one day I couldn’t find it, and I suspected R stole it but wanted to discuss it with someone else first.”

“I asked the group when R wasn’t around if any of them took it and when they said no, we all suspected R did it. When R came back to the group a few moments later, I asked him if he had seen the bill. He said no but quickly noticed the group was suspecting him of it. I told him to give the bill back if he had taken it, or if he needed it, to just tell me, and things would go back to normal. I wouldn’t judge him for it.”

R is the first person you’d think would steal the money. It’s understandable. But they continued, “He got really angry and defensive. Said he regretted telling us about his past because we are now using it against him. I told him to just forget about it and pretend it never happened but he wasn’t having it. He didn’t hang with us anymore afterward and distanced himself from the group. Made me feel terrible because he was almost like a younger brother to me. I was taking the drawer apart like 3 years later and I found the bill scrunched at the back of the cabinet.” It turns out R didn’t steal the money. What a shame. This person lost a friendship but didn’t lose the 50 bucks too (via Reddit).

Midnight Stretching

We all have strange desires. This Reddit user confessed that he finds pleasure in his midnight stretching. He said, “I’m a guy. This is weird but sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I’ll sort of feel myself off, meaning rubbing my chest and nipples. It feels good, semi-sexual. Then I’ll stop and go back to sleep. No whacking off or anything. Usually, my muscles are all tense when I do it.”

At least he does it when he’s completely alone, with no one else around. There’s nothing worse than waking up from your slumber to find your roommate rubbing his nipples in the middle of the night, more than once (via Reddit).

Googly Eyes

This Reddit user worked for a horrible boss. We can’t even imagine showing up to work and at that point, we’d just quit. But sometimes, quitting isn’t an option. This Reddit user’s confession includes payback from his horrible boss. One day, the boss offered “performance-based shifts,” which put the employees in competition with one another. He said, “the competition also dictated whether you got an early, mid, or late shift, but neither of us gave a sh** about that. It was the days off that mattered.” To make up for it, he decided to find a better solution.

“Then one day I’m chatting with an older employee who was real-arts and craftsy. One of the sweetest ladies you ever met. She was digging through her great big purse for something and pulls out this truly massive bag of all different sizes of self-adhesive googly eyes. I made a joke about how great it would be to put googly eyes all over my boss’s office and she just handed me the whole thing and smiled before sitting down to eat her lunch.”

He said, “My boss’s office was at the back of the building and while it was mostly wide open, I worked the latest shift, so by the end of the day, everyone has pushed to the front. I snuck off every evening for a few months and put googly eyes all the fuck over her office. It was spectacular. The best part was that because my office did stupid cheesy sh** like “management has an open door policy” her office literally didn’t have a door. She could never prove it was me because it could be anyone.” This is one of the best confessions on this list. There’s no way that he could’ve gotten caught, and he ended up getting back for his lost time (via Reddit).