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These People Shared Their Deepest, Darkest Confessions Online

MonicaOctober 13, 2022
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Scribble Keys

Six-year-olds do a lot of bad things. They don’t know any better as they’re still learning how to navigate life and the difference between what’s right and wrong. As we mentioned, many confessions come from our youthful days of figuring out the world.

This Redditor said, “when I was six I scribbled on the sides of the keys of the family piano. Like, I took a marker, pressed a key down, and then scribbled on the sides of the keys on each side of the key I was holding down. You could only see it when the keys were pressed. I did that on like six keys, in different colors, before getting bored and also realizing exactly what I was doing. I still have no idea why I decided to do that.”

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They got away with it for some time before they were discovered. They said, “it got discovered. I blamed my 4-year-old brother, with the logic that I, at 6, LOVED the piano, was taking lessons, and would NEVER scribble on something so precious. Also, I’d conveniently left the markers on the floor of his room. He got spanked. I didn’t feel guilty at the time (probably because he’d been annoying me somehow), and I still feel weirdly guilty about that.”

It sounds like that six-year-old dodged a bullet, even if they’re still ridden with guilt. “I’m in my 40s. I’ve never admitted this to my family.” Over 30 years later, they still feel bad. Maybe it’s time they fess up to their mistake so they can all laugh about it (via Reddit). 

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Bathroom Sinks

There are numerous reasons why we shouldn’t touch the bathroom sinks at school. Kids are dirty, and who knows what ends up on those sinks? One of the most hilarious confessions involves a bathroom sink and a little bit of friskiness. 

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They said, “I frequently humped the bathroom sinks in school when no one else was there. I was extremely horny back then.” We understand being horny, but humping bathroom sinks were never on our to-do list. It’s possible that this Reddit user didn’t realize there are plenty of other objects one could use to get over being horny. At least it’s something they can look back on and laugh at, and is hopefully something they’ve grown out of (via Reddit). 

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Coma Dream

This is one of the most fascinating confessions on this list. It involves a Reddit user who was in a near-fatal accident when he was 16. A delivery van hit him at a crosswalk and he went into a coma for two weeks. During the coma, he dreamt.

He said, “while I was in the coma, I had an extremely vivid dream. I dreamed I was living in a fantastic jungle populated entirely by giant insects, and the only way I could survive was by crafting a knife and a spear, and then hunting massive armored beetles the size of school busses with horns and spikes and turning their shells into wicked cool looking RPG fantasy armor. Taking down giant blue and purple moths and turning them into hang gliders to explore the world. Climbing up inside giant hollow trees to hunt glowing scorpions.”

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When he woke up from the dream and was out of his coma, the nurses told him what happened. A few months later, he was sent to physical therapy. During the physical therapy practice with his trainer, he “cut sideways at her shin, and she blocked my pole and flipped it up, right out of my hands, and thrust at my throat guard.”

“At that moment, I had an instant flashback where I recalled, for the first time, my entire coma dream, every fight with a giant insect or spider, every move, counter, and strike. I twisted down and sideways and the ‘blade’ end of her weapon slipped past my face mask by half an inch. I grabbed it, pulled it straight out of her grip, and struck her straight back into her helmet with the butt end.”

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His coma dream came to reality during that very intense moment. It makes us wonder about the thin line between wakefulness and dreams. “She stared at me and asked me where the hell that move had come from. I just sat down and started crying, I remembered the whole adventure in clear detail for the first time, and what an experience it was.” He had forgotten his coma dream until that moment. This might just be one of the most vulnerable confessions he could have.

“I never went back (to physical therapy). Even the thought of doing any of that instantly brings back the one time in my life when I felt like I belonged in a place meant for me, a perfect, amazing place, even if that place was entirely inside my brain inside a shattered body.” In his world, he had found a place where he belonged. That’s something all of us only ever hope of attaining (via Reddit). 

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Goat Cheese

If you’re a fan of goat or feta cheese, you might not want to hear this. This Reddit user shares one of their deepest confessions, that “the taste of feta/goat’s cheese reminds me of my vomit, but in a good way and I love it!”

First, if goat cheese tastes like vomit that’s one thing, but if you love it and think of it in a good way, that’s an entirely different thing. It seems like there’s something else going on here that we can’t quite figure out (via Reddit). 

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The Hand Shake

People have needs. Whether another person gives those needs to us or someone else is individually based. This person shares one of their dirtiest confessions involving a handshake. They said, “one time I was jerking it when my doorbell rang. I got decent and answered the door. It was two friends stopping by to say hi. One of them reached out to shake my hand and he reached for the hand I was beating it with.” We can only imagine what must’ve been going on in that guy’s head. There was a long moment of hesitation.

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They said, “I was mortified, and stared at his hand for a second. The look on both their faces was clear. They thought I was disgusted with shaking his hand. He’s a big black guy btw, and I’m white. I was too socially awkward to just say “dude you caught me on a solo afternoon delight mission and you don’t wanna shake my hand” so instead I shook his hand with as little effort as possible and then never talked to him again out of sheer embarrassment. I’m certain he thinks I’m a massive racist.”

To be fair, if he had been open and vulnerable at that very moment, he could’ve made a friend for life. Instead, he felt too embarrassed to admit the truth and decided not to share what he had been up to (via Reddit). 

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The Smeller 

There are some things in life you smell, and others you don’t smell. Bodily fluids and other things are one of them. This person decided to share one of their deepest confessions involving smell. They said, “I smell anything that comes out of my body.”

We can only imagine the sorts of things he smells. That’s not something that most people do, so let’s hope it was a compulsion that he’s now grown out of (via Reddit).

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Secret Payback

This is one of the sneakiest confessions on this list. It’s pretty genius since there’s no way they’ll get caught for many decades. This Reddit user said, “when I’m replacing siding for a customer who I don’t like, I will often write some kind of hex on the back of one of the boards that I nail to the house.”

Little do those house owners know, there’s a message waiting for them underneath one of the boards. There’s no way they’ll find out until they tear down the siding (via Reddit).

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Baby Blanket

Many of us still have something from our childhood, whether it’s a blanket, doll, or other small object. Many of us still have that item tucked away somewhere in the attic of our parent’s house. One of the most adorable confessions on this list comes from this Reddit user, who said “I still sleep with a blanket I’ve had since I was like 3. It has a bunch of holes in it, but it’s so soft and smells nice that I could never get a new one.” 

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“My mom insists I should get a new one, but I just can’t.” That’s something you can never replace. How could you? There’s a lot of memory tied to it, so obviously there’s no way he’s getting rid of it. That’s something he should have for the rest of his life (via Reddit).

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Car Spitter

When people annoy us, we usually just shout a bunch of curse words at them under our breath. There’s no other way to have a payback that won’t end in getting in trouble. This Reddit user shared one of their confessions involving payback to cars that annoy them.

They said, “I spit on people’s cars who annoy me.” It’s pretty genius, to say the least, and certainly makes them feel better in the moment (via Reddit). 

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Dried Cat Food

A lot of us had strange quirks growing up. Many of those quirks are things we would not do now, like eating animal food. This Reddit user shares one of their youthful confessions. They said, “I used to eat dry cat food as a kid. I was many things, but deficient in my RDA of crude ash I was not.”

This is hilarious. At least they don’t do that now, because then there’d be a problem. It’s certainly forgivable when it happens as a kid (via Reddit). 

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Creepy Cousin

It’s true, some confessions are better left untold. This person shared a deep secret involving their cousin’s underwear. We appreciate their honesty, but it sounds like they might need a little bit of help. They said, “a few years ago, I was curious as to why guys liked girl stuff and what the fuss was about. There was this girl I thought was attractive and luckily got to the point where she lived.” 

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“I made this elaborate plan and sneaked into her room, then I went into her drawer and took a pair of underwear and socks. I went home and stared at them, and I forced myself to hold them up but didn’t understand it. Then, I put them in a box and never touched them again. I never did anything to them like I thought I would want to. Maybe it’s because she was my cousin.” Not only did they sneak into their room, but they stole their underwear. And it was their cousin. Let’s hope this person never did that again (via Reddit). 

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Cat Language

We all have a special voice we use when we speak to our pets. It’s usually high-pitched, cute, and a voice we would never use anywhere else. This person confessed they learned a language from their cat.

They said, “I fluently speak a gibberish language that was taught to me by a cat. (& no it’s not just meowing or cat noises… sounds more like a Sim language).” Maybe they’re onto something and created a new language (via Reddit). 

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Car Looters

Alright, stealing is bad. We all agree about that. Many of us have confessions involving theft hidden deep without our psyche. It’s something we don’t want to admit since it’s a horrible thing to do. Karma usually comes back to bite us, which is why we avoid it at all costs. This Reddit user said they were “checking for unlocked car doors and looting valuables late at night and we had tons of valuables in our pockets.

“Eventually, we came across a Simpson’s backpack that we were going to steal to carry all of our stolen goodies in. I opened up the backpack to find a School ID of a chubby fifth grader. The poor kid had all of his school work and essential items, but being the scumbag I was- we took the backpack and dumped all of the kid’s stuff into some bushes a couple of neighborhoods over.”

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That’s horrible. No one, especially a fifth grader, deserves that kind of treatment. This Reddit user probably got what he deserved. He said, “even though we stole a lot of stuff, that one bothered me. I can’t even imagine having all of my sh** stolen and having to have my parents rebuy everything just because some d**chebag stole my bag and needed a bag to carry all of his stolen stuff in.”

At least this guy has a conscious and felt bad about stealing. There are just some people you don’t steal from in this life, and a child is one of them. “Eventually got caught, haven’t stolen a thing since and try hard to redeem me by being a good person. Even snapped on my little brother when I caught him trying to steal at a grocery store, I was a really bad example.” Dark confessions are a way for people to lessen their guilt-ridden conscious, so at least this guy learned from his mistakes (via Reddit). 

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Gauged Ears

People have strange fetishes. For some reason or another, humans are attracted to things that most people would shy away from and find disgusting. When confessions involve these secrets, they’re pretty interesting and we can’t help but want to hear them. This Reddit user said, “I used to like the smell of my girlfriend’s gauged ears. I always thought everyone else’s stunk, but there’s something about hers that got me going. She let them heal back up though.”

Sadly, this boyfriend didn’t get to smell his girlfriend’s gauged ears anymore. It’s probably a good thing, all things considered. Maybe he should gauge his ears so he can smell them whenever he wants (via Reddit). 

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Left-Handed Liar

When we tell lies, it’s usually for a reason, like not wanting to hurt someone. Other times, we lie for no apparent reason. This Reddit user told us one of the strangest and most pointless confessions on this list. They said,  “I told people I was left-handed when I knew I was right-handed, I did this for 4 years.” We’re not sure why they would do this, but it happened. Maybe they had a good reason to do it (via Reddit). 

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Nose Picker

We’re all guilty of doing disgusting stuff when we’re by ourselves. There’s no one around, so there’s no need to stay clean and orderly. This is one of those confessions that hits too close to home. This person said, “I pick my nose anytime I’m alone. Like hardcore, really get in there. And I almost always eat whatever I dig out. I’m an upper-middle-class, petite, soccer mom. If you saw me on the street, you definitely wouldn’t take me for a booger eater.”

Now, that’s not what you expect to hear from a Suburban soccer mom. These are the best kinds of confessions. Some people wander around with the dirtiest secrets of all time, this soccer mom included (via Reddit). 

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Zombie Apocalypse 

Many of us probably secretly wish there was a zombie apocalypse. We want to be the heroes of our reality, and the thought of it is enough to get us excited. One of the confessions this person tells us involves a little bit more than zombies.

They said, “when I’m ever on a train and listening to music I fantasize that the train suddenly stops at a station and zombies come out of nowhere, devouring everyone. I then drop my trousers and have sex with the first zombie I see.” That’s a bit further than most of us would go. At least they’re honest (via Reddit). 

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Punch For A Blunt 

We’d do anything for our vice, getting punched included. This Reddit user said, “when I was fifteen I let a guy punch me in the gut for a blunt.”

Honestly, he’s probably not the first, or last, person to do that. At least he’s open about it, and at least he got his blunt in the end. Oftentimes, those things are worth it (via Reddit). 

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Too Thirsty

They say drinking your pee has health benefits. For some reason, this person decided to drink their pee more than one time. That’s not something many of us would do, ever, considering it’s gross.

I used to pee and an empty cap, then take a sip of it. Mind you I didn’t drink it, after the sip, I just spit it out. Plus I was like 8 or 9.” At least they didn’t swallow it, but it’s still quite nasty. To be honest, they’re probably not the only ones who do this (via Reddit). 

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Troll Videos

Sending our friends embarrassing videos, in the hopes that they’ll open them in public, is one of the best pranks that exists. One of the confessions this Reddit user shared involved an embarrassing video.

He said, “I sent my Best Friend a video when he was in class, and the video was one of those troll videos. In other words, he put his phone to max volume to hear the “sound” that only 1% of ppl can hear. Then…. the classroom was filled with uh moaning.” We can only imagine the immense embarrassment this guy felt when he turned his volume up. There’s no getting away from that one (via Reddit). 

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Missing Money 

When something of ours goes missing, our immediate reaction is to blame someone else. This Reddit user’s confession involves a missing 50 bucks and the loss of a friendship. “I became friends with this guy called R, we would play games together, work out, hang out and just have a great time. He once confessed to us that he used to steal things and he came from a rougher neighborhood but regretted it a lot and swore he would never do it again.”

We’d already be on high alert around this guy. But people have secret confessions from their past, and it doesn’t define who they are now. “I had a $50 bill I think in one of my drawers and one day I couldn’t find it, and I suspected R stole it but wanted to discuss it with someone else first.”

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“I asked the group when R wasn’t around if any of them took it and when they said no, we all suspected R did it. When R came back to the group a few moments later, I asked him if he had seen the bill. He said no but quickly noticed the group was suspecting him of it. I told him to give the bill back if he had taken it, or if he needed it, to just tell me, and things would go back to normal. I wouldn’t judge him for it.”

R is the first person you’d think would steal the money. It’s understandable. But they continued, “He got really angry and defensive. Said he regretted telling us about his past because we are now using it against him. I told him to just forget about it and pretend it never happened but he wasn’t having it. He didn’t hang with us anymore afterward and distanced himself from the group. Made me feel terrible because he was almost like a younger brother to me. I was taking the drawer apart like 3 years later and I found the bill scrunched at the back of the cabinet.” It turns out R didn’t steal the money. What a shame. This person lost a friendship but didn’t lose the 50 bucks too (via Reddit). 

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Midnight Stretching

We all have strange desires. This Reddit user confessed that he finds pleasure in his midnight stretching. He said, “I’m a guy. This is weird but sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I’ll sort of feel myself off, meaning rubbing my chest and nipples. It feels good, semi-sexual. Then I’ll stop and go back to sleep. No whacking off or anything. Usually, my muscles are all tense when I do it.”

At least he does it when he’s completely alone, with no one else around. There’s nothing worse than waking up from your slumber to find your roommate rubbing his nipples in the middle of the night, more than once (via Reddit). 

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Googly Eyes 

This Reddit user worked for a horrible boss. We can’t even imagine showing up to work and at that point, we’d just quit. But sometimes, quitting isn’t an option. This Reddit user’s confession includes payback from his horrible boss. One day, the boss offered “performance-based shifts,” which put the employees in competition with one another. He said, “the competition also dictated whether you got an early, mid, or late shift, but neither of us gave a sh** about that. It was the days off that mattered.” To make up for it, he decided to find a better solution.

“Then one day I’m chatting with an older employee who was real-arts and craftsy. One of the sweetest ladies you ever met. She was digging through her great big purse for something and pulls out this truly massive bag of all different sizes of self-adhesive googly eyes. I made a joke about how great it would be to put googly eyes all over my boss’s office and she just handed me the whole thing and smiled before sitting down to eat her lunch.”

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He said, “My boss’s office was at the back of the building and while it was mostly wide open, I worked the latest shift, so by the end of the day, everyone has pushed to the front. I snuck off every evening for a few months and put googly eyes all the fuck over her office. It was spectacular. The best part was that because my office did stupid cheesy sh** like “management has an open door policy” her office literally didn’t have a door. She could never prove it was me because it could be anyone.” This is one of the best confessions on this list. There’s no way that he could’ve gotten caught, and he ended up getting back for his lost time (via Reddit). 

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