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These Odd Vintage Products Totally Wouldn’t Fly Today

Monica February 6, 2024
9)pinterest
Pinterest

Inhale To Your Heart’s Content

We all know how horrendous cigarettes are for your heart health, so this vintage ad is ironic. It claims that the cigarettes have a “mild, flavorful smoke that enters your mouth pleasantly cool and filtered.” Somehow, they also provide an extra margin of protection which is a lie (via Pinterest)

8)bored
Bored Panda

Sun Bath Helmet

To prevent sunburn, all you have to do is grab your sun bath helmet and improve your feminine beauty. This glass shield protects your face from the sun’s rays, allowing the wearer to retain their white skin. You wouldn’t find this today, since sunscreen has replaced large bathing helmets and is much more practical (via Bored Panda).

7)pharmacytechs
Pharmacy Techs

Injectable Poppy Juice

This is another ad you wouldn’t find anywhere today. Injectable poppy juice, or opium, is certainly something that doesn’t exist, much like the cocaine tooth drops. According to the ad, “Try Pantopon in place of morphine for dependable, optimum relief of pain.” There’s no viable way these products would make it onto the shelves of our department stores or be for sale (via Pharmacy Techs).

6)reddit
Reddit

Bradley Group Showers

It’s not hard to miss the massive euphemism in this ad, but that’s beside the point. You wouldn’t necessarily have ads showcasing a bunch of people showering together nowadays, or ads showcasing group showers. But the funniest part of the ad is that “The ad says they also have private dressing rooms, but like… why, at this point?” After having everyone shower together, why would they need to suddenly get dressed together in private? (via Reddit).

5)boredpanda
Bored Panda

Sanitized Tapeworms

This ad claims it can get rid of your fat, the thing that’s ruining your life, with sanitized tapeworms. They’re jar-packed, easy to swallow, and get rid of the need for diets, baths, and exercise, which are all the things you need for longevity. Not only that, but tapeworms are incredibly harmful to your health (via Reddit).

4)pinterest
Pinterest

What She Really Wants This Christmas

Apparently, this is what people’s mothers really wanted for Christmas back in these days – a Colt gun. This would never fly nowadays, since it seems to hint at aggression more than Christmas cheer, family, and spirit. There’s even a small tag on the gun with a heart (via Pinterest).

Www.rarehistoricalphotos.com
rare historical photos

Working Wife

Another ad showcasing the inequality of men and women back then states that “the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks.” She claims she always gets her vitamins, which is why she’s such a hard worker. There are probably better ways to advertise vitamins (via Etsy).

Oo
Pinterest

Hacienda Billboard

Not only would a product like this deter anyone from buying it, but it’s a bit terrifying. What could they possibly be hinting at? According to Pinterest, “Following a fairly predictable public outcry and drubbing in the press, Hacienda Mexican Restaurants is ending a two-week-old billboard campaign in Indiana that featured a red cocktail and the headline ‘We’re Like a Cult With Better Kool-Aid.'” These ads didn’t last long (via Pinterest).

Paa
Pinterest

The Best Things In Life Come In Cellophane

There are so many things wrong with this ad, but the main thing has to be this small baby is wrapped in a cellophane bag. We understand a stork is holding it, which symbolizes a newborn, but it’s trapping the baby in a bag. There are other things they could have used to say “the best things in life come in cellophane.” What about cake? That’s a pretty great thing in life, they could have used that instead (via Pinterest).

Pint
Pinterest

Smirnoff Makes Women Burn Bras

According to this ad, Smirnoff vodka was so strong back then, that it made women come up with crazy ideas to burn their bras. When you learn to handle Smirnoff, apparently anything is possible. This ad is inappropriate because it’s enticing people to carry out some bad ideas. You’re better off skipping the Smirnoff and not burning your bra. There is an explanation, though, and according to Reddit, “Bra burning was a women’s liberation movement action during the early 70s. Some women in the movement would burn their bras to let the world know they refused to wear a restricting garment and wanted the world to accept the female body as Mother Nature designed it. Perhaps the ad agency men thought women getting drunk would lead to more supple young breasts swinging wildly in the wind.” Either way, it’s not an appropriate ad (via Reddit).

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