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18 Signs to Pay Attention To With Your Romantic Companion

SimiSeptember 13, 2018

Apparently, millennials don’t date with an end-game in mind. When people of this generation enter a relationship, their main concern is not their future. They don’t think of their partner as a potential spouse, but rather just the person they are with at the moment. This kind of thinking may appear to be short-sighted, but there is an upside.

The upside is that they are less likely to choose the wrong partner for life. Sure, no person gets married thinking they are going to get divorced. But if a person is more concerned with getting married than with who they are marrying, it seems likely that couple is doomed to fail.

Marriage is a pact between two people that they make for life. This is not some religious rant, and if a marriage is not working out, then the couple are well within their rights to get divorced. But, what is the point of forming a union like this if you aren’t committed to it for the whole of the foreseeable future? Also, how do you pick a partner? This question has no quick or easy answers.

Each person is different and will value different things in a potential spouse. There are, however, definitive deal-breakers. These are things that represent rather large flaws in the relationship. You shouldn’t take a relationship like this to the next level, and here’s why.

1. You don’t want a relationship yet you don’t want to be alone

A psychological study decided there are two types of people when it comes to relationships. There are those who are happier and more fulfilled in a relationship. Then there are those who achieve the same level of satisfaction by being alone. The latter of these people would, at a time, be a misnomer in society. People used to see them as not emotionally stable enough to maintain a relationship.

But new studies show that this is not the case. These people are generally not the ones who will enter an ill-advised marriage. It is the people who don’t know how or who don’t want to be alone who land into bad relationships and then into the wrong marriage. These people tend to be so overwhelmed by their need to be coupled, they lower their standards. Or even worse, they sugarcoat the person they are currently dating.

This kind of solution may work in the short run when it comes to avoiding loneliness, but once married to the wrong person, the loneliness will begin to show itself again. The difference being that this time, it is not that easy to get out the relationship. It is not a simple case of breaking up and then moving on.

Divorce is not something anyone wants to go through. Therefore, you should avoid it at all costs. So, for those people who are relationship people, as tempting as it may be to settle, don’t do it. Resist the temptation and stick it out until the right person comes along.

2. Your loved ones don’t approve of your partner

First things first, your loved ones don’t have the final say on who you date or marry. You can love whoever you want. It is quite frankly none of their business. Now that’s out of the way, you shouldn’t ignore what they are saying, either. Presuming your loved ones are moderately reasonable, intelligent people, their advice should be worth something.

When in a relationship, especially in the honeymoon period, people tend to see things through rose-tinted lenses. These people in love tend to miss the small, or at times even glaring flaws in their partner’s characters. This is where friends and family come in to play. They are not in love with the person, so they can see the flaws. And they probably are quite vocal about it.

Although it can be annoying, they don’t know the relationship like you do. But, they still care about you. These people just want what is best for you. They don’t want to see you sell yourself short. They don’t want to see you settle for someone who takes you for granted or who isn’t good enough for you.

Although you should not accept their opinions as law, you should consider them. Maybe your loved ones have a point. Maybe they see something you aren’t seeing. If your friends and family can’t stand the person you are with, then perhaps you should take a moment to consider what they’re saying. Maybe the person you’re with is not right for you. Perhaps you shouldn’t consider marrying them at all.

3. Trust is lacking in your relationship

A good relationship has a foundation of trust. This is what people say. In fact, people say it so much, it has started to sound cliché. But, how do clichés happen? Are they simply mistruths that people say so much, they start believing them?

Or are they a phenomenon that occurs so frequently, people start taking them for granted? But, in this case, the latter seems to be more plausible. Trust is not something you dole out at will. You have to earn it and build it over time. And once you earn that trust, you should never break it.

If you break it, it’s like a shattered vase that you put back together. That vase may hold water like it once did, but the cracks remain. There is no way to return the vase to its original state because it is now weak. But what does this mean for a relationship? Simply put, a relationship that is lacking in trust is probably not going to last.

This isn’t being overly dramatic, it’s just being frank. You need to be able to trust your partner, and they need to be able to trust you. Neither one of you should spend hours stressing over where the other person is, who they are talking to or what they are doing.

In a healthy relationship, both parties are secure in their partner’s love. They are secure in the knowledge that the other won’t actively hurt or betray them. These people aren’t nervous wrecks. They don’t feel the need to go through the others one’s phone. They aren’t constantly questioning or searching for signs of betrayal.

4. You think marriage will fix your partner

Marriage is never, ever the solution to a couple’s problems. It should be the next step that a couple knowingly takes together. It isn’t a fix for the constant fighting, and it isn’t a way to get your partner to be the person you want them to be. Overall, people don’t change. People evolve, and they improve upon themselves, but they don’t change.

What’s more, they don’t ever change for someone else. If your partner has changed something fundamental about themselves for you, chances are it’s only for the short-term. A person who is going to change permanently will only change if they want to. It has to be a conscious decision they make inside themselves. It can’t occur due to consistent, enormous external pressure.

A person needs to want to change for themselves, not for someone else. In terms of a relationship, you can’t expect that marriage will change your partner for the better. If you’re stuck thinking things will be better once you get married, you need to take a step back. You also need to put down that bridal magazine. This isn’t the person you should be marrying.

Marriage will not fix them and marriage will not fix you. There may even be nothing to fix. You two may just be the wrong people for each other. This may not actually be the relationship that’s going to last.

5. They don’t want to get married

People say there’s a formula for life. You may have heard you have to perform several steps in the correct order to be successful and happy. These steps include going to school and getting good grades. Then going to a university and getting a degree. The next step is getting a job and meeting the perfect partner.

After that, it’s getting married, buying a house and having kids. And the final step is retiring at 60.  This is the plan society lays out for everyone, yet it doesn’t fit everyone. Some people don’t like studying, while others don’t want to have kids. And then there are some people who just don’t want to get married.

You might be tempted to say these people just haven’t found the right person. But that is giving in to a flawed model. Marriage is not for everyone. It’s as simple as that. You don’t have to get married to be happy.

You don’t have to get married to be successful. A person should get married only because they want to. A person should never be forced into marriage. If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to get married, you have some thinking to do. Is it because this person doesn’t want to get married?

Or is it because they don’t want to marry you? This may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is vital to ask the question. If they don’t believe in marriage, there may be other questions you need to ask. Do you expect them to change their principles, or do you think you can change yours? Those aren’t realistic expectations.

6. You think your partner is too good for you

In the TV series, How I Met Your Mother, one of the multiple theories they throw around is the Reacher and Settler argument. The gist of it is this: in every relationship, there is a Reacher and a Settler. This simply means one person is out of the other person’s league. A theory such as this may be good for a few laughs, but in reality, it’s fundamentally flawed.

The flaw is how one defines leagues. Also, they believe it’s suitable for a person to feel like they are less of a catch than their partner. This is not a healthy relationship. This is a farce that producers and writers in Hollywood deliver on a silver platter. No person should feel like they are worth less than their partner.

They shouldn’t feel like they are not good enough or that they have won and must spend the rest of their lives striving to keep this trophy they have snagged. This is not how one should feel about their partner. Yes, one should admire, cherish, respect and be attracted to their partner, but they should not feel less worthy.

You should feel like you are a catch, too. You should feel as though your partner is just as lucky to have you as you are to have them. Because you are a catch. You have your own gifts, abilities, talents and loveable qualities. You are worthy of love, and of being in a relationship where you feel like an equal.

7. You can’t be yourself with your partner

People show other people a different face. In general, you don’t display your whole self to every person you meet. Getting to know someone fully takes time. It takes trust, and it takes a level of vulnerability that can be terrifying. This is the beauty of relationships.

It is why people delve in head first even when they know it may end in disaster. People take the leap and put their hearts on the line, again. They do it because when they are with someone who knows all of them and still loves them, that feeling is out of this world. That feeling is earth-shattering.

This may sound idealistic, but that is how a relationship should be. You should not have to hide huge portions of your character. And you should not have to pretend to be someone else. A person needs to be comfortable being themselves around their partner. If you feel like you can’t do this, it may not be the right relationship for you.

You should probably not consider marrying this person. This is not a place in life where you can fake it till you make it. At some point, your true character is going to come through. It might not be today. It might not even be in the next year, but it will happen.

You cannot hide forever. Therefore, if you feel like you can’t be yourself with your partner, you are acting like something you are not. Stop and evaluate what you are doing.  

8. Your partner is mean to you

There are well-meant jokes, and then there is just plain mean. The dividing line may be different for everyone, but the line does exist. It is not some fictitious thing women created when they were being “overly emotional.” The fact is, people are emotional beings and that means others can hurt their feelings. They can insult, attack, betray and abuse you, too. Unfortunately, you may not be able to avoid it.

But, you shouldn’t feel these things in your relationship. This isn’t to say you should dump your partner because you had a fight and said unmeant things in the heat of the moment. This isn’t the end of the world. People fight, they get upset, and they say things that they shouldn’t. The problem arises if this happens too often.

If your partner frequently hurts you, you should be concerned. If they are constantly brushing it off as a mistake or telling you that you are being too sensitive, you should be concerned. These are huge warning signs in a relationship that you can’t ignore. Don’t brush them aside or make excuses for them. How long can you convince yourself they are just stressed, or you are just having a rough couple of months?

A person shouldn’t feel like they are constantly under siege by their partner. They shouldn’t be knocked down by their partner. If your partner is being mean most of the time, it may be time for them to become your ex.

9. Your partner is rude

They say you can tell a lot about a person by looking at the way they deal with waiters. Are they polite and friendly or do they treat them like they are servants? If they are the latter, then run for the hills and fast. Manners cost nothing. Being polite costs nothing.

These should be just two of the qualities you look for in every partner. These are points that shouldn’t be up for compromise. No one person is better or worth more than another, no life is worth more, and people should treat each other as such. Rudeness in a person is indicative of a major character flaw.

When you are growing up, your parents are supposed to teach you manners. They’re supposed to teach you to be nice to people, or at least polite to them. You can’t be rude or dismissive, and you can’t be disrespectful. A person who doesn’t display these character traits should raise a few eyebrows.

Why do they do this? Do they believe they are truly better than everyone else? Do they believe they can treat people however they like without any consequences? Did their parents fail to bring them up correctly or are they just not a nice person?

Lastly, why would you want to be with a person like this? Do you want to be the person that turns down their eyes in shame when their partner is yelling at the wait staff? Do you want people to wonder how you put up with the maniac yelling at you in the restaurant?

10. You just know there’s something wrong

Some people are ruled by their emotions, and some people are ruled by their minds. This may sound limiting, but think about it for a second, and you’ll find it’s true. You can probably go through a list of your friends and family and place them into one of these columns. The flaw that all these people share is they tend not to listen to their gut. They push aside that voice inside of them that’s telling them something is wrong.

You may either think the voice away or let your love for your partner drown it out. Some people try to convince themselves they are just being dramatic, or it can’t possibly be that bad. They come up with stories or make excuses. People will do everything in their power to avoid admitting one simple fact.

That fact is, this person is just not right for them. There’s something wrong and there’s something missing. It’s not the perfect fit they thought it was. You can’t stifle that voice forever. This voice demands you listen to it, and you should.

As a human being, you’re born with a survival instinct. You’re can survive and thrive. You must remember that and not let your intellect or your heart stand in the way. When your gut is telling you to get out, you must pack your bags and get out. There are no mincing words here. If your gut is telling you there’s something wrong, you must not marry the person you are dating.

11. They speak badly about their exes

No breakup is easy. Even if it was a bad relationship, there’s always some emotional pain and regret when it’s time to call it quits. Apparently, people go through the five stages of grief when they break up with someone. As anger is one of them, it’s perfectly natural for someone to feel anger when they think about their ex.

While most people don’t want to think they have these kinds of thoughts, people often wish their old paramours ill will. You may have thought about some kind of accident befalling them or having them go through some financial difficulty.

These thoughts are natural. Although they may not be kind, they are natural. There does come the point where each person moves on from the relationship, so they stop having such violently angry thoughts about their ex. They don’t feel sad or resentful when they think about the person that broke their heart. They have reached a stage where they are peaceful.

People do this because it occurs naturally when one moves on from a relationship, but it also shows a level of character strength. A person is only angry at their ex if they feel abused or because they are masking guilt. But, when a relationship falls apart, there’s generally blame on both sides. This blame might not be equal, but it is safe to say that each person made some mistake.

Admitting this fault is a mature thing to do. People who can’t admit fault or who can’t forgive people in their past for their mistakes need to grow emotionally. These people aren’t ready for a commitment like marriage.

12. They don’t make an effort to get to know your loved ones

When people are in a relationship, they must be careful their partner doesn’t become their whole life. This is a form of co-dependency, and it is extremely unhealthy. You can’t drop everything and everyone for your partner. If you do this, you lose a bit of yourself. You don’t have your own interests or your own social circle.

In fact, you are no longer the person you were before the relationship. You are now defined by your partner. You don’t even have your own identity. Not only is this a huge injustice to yourself, but you may find your partner pulling away from you. They do this because you are no longer the person they fell in love with.

You changed drastically, but not for the better. When you get into a relationship, you should integrate your partner into your life, and they should do the same with you. This includes getting to know each other’s friends and family. By doing this, you truly get to know one another.

People can tell a lot about you by looking at your loved ones. They’ll want to know all of you, and they’ll want to get to know the people you care about and love. They may even want to care about the things and people you hold dear. It is for this reason that you should steer clear of a partner who doesn’t make an effort with your loved ones. These people aren’t interested in you, and they’re not investing in you.

Have you recognized any of these 12 red flags that indicate you shouldn’t marry the person you’re dating? If so, ask yourself this: Is this a healthy, loving person? If you said no, you may want to move on to a healthier relationship.

13. You constantly make excuses for them

Mistakes happen. People also get upset. They say things they don’t mean and they at times find themselves being entirely under the influence of their emotions. This is life. All of this is alright because people are not perfect, and we shouldn’t expect them to be.

But, the whole point of a mistake is that they do not happen all the time. People are also required to learn from their mistakes, and they are supposed to try to make sure that they don’t happen again.

People who don’t do this either remain single, or they have a partner who makes excuses for them. These partners are always ready with a reason for their counterpart’s bad behavior. These can range from the partner being tired. Maybe they had a bad day at work, or they are possibly stressed about money. Then there is the whole health excuse. The complete ‘oh shame, they are recovering from a touch of the flu and are still a bit moody.’

Now, if you are this partner. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner every other day, then there is a problem. Life can only happen so many times. Maybe these people are not just having a bad day, week or month. Perhaps these people are just not nice people. Perhaps these people are also not the right person for you. Maybe you shouldn’t be dating these people, let alone consider marrying them. Is this harsh? Yes. Is it true? Absolutely.

14. They are not willing to talk when disagreements come up

Fighting is awful. On the whole, people hate it and so they should. It is a completely horrible experience. Your heart rate rises, you may start sweating and if you get angry enough you possibly may want to scream until your throat hurts. While fights and disagreements may be awful, they are also natural.

In fact, there are a lot of times when they are necessary. Couples are going to fight; this is merely a fact of life. Find a couple that does not fight, and you will find something that psychologists would love to study. The real test of the relationship is how the couple deals with this fight.

Do they ignore the issue and wait for it to go away? Do they speak to their friends about it? Do they carry on fighting until they are just too tired to fight anymore, or do they talk about their issues? Open communication in this regard is paramount.

Couples need to talk about the issues they have. They need to be able to have a safe space in which they can voice their grievances. They also need to be prepared to hear about the mistakes they are making. If your partner is not willing to sit down and have a frank discussion about any issues in the relationship, then this is not the person that you want to be starting a life with. This person is not mature enough for a real relationship.

15. They are always pushing your boundaries

Let’s get this straight; no means no. There is no grey area here. There is no debate, and there is no discussion. The fact that this has to be stated is a shocking reflection of the society we are living in. It should also be noted that this applies to both men and women. Consent is by no means a gender-specific thing.

Every person on this planet is allowed to decide what they are comfortable with and what they are not. They should not have to explain themselves. This is what we call boundaries. They are there to protect us, and they are there to let everyone else know exactly what we are okay with and what we do not want to happen.

A partner who does not respect this is not a partner at all. If you do not want things to progress sexually, then that is your right. If you do not want to label things, then again that is your right. It is your right to say no, and it is your right to say yes. No one should ever force you into doing something that you do not want to do.

They should also not rush you to make decisions. You can take your time. Take all the time that you need. A partner who does not respect your boundaries does not respect you, and they should certainly not be in your life anymore. They should be shown the door immediately.

16. They believe that the world owes them

In a perfect world, people would work for what they have. The amount of effort that they put in should be a direct reflection of the success that they achieve. There should be a very logical process of cause and effect. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The world is certainly not perfect, and a lot of the time some people do not have to work for what they have.

The get it easy, they get handouts. The result is a sense of entitlement. These people have been brought up to believe that the world owes them. That they do not need to earn what they have. They think that things should come to them by default. That they do not have to put in effort in life and in relationships for that matter.

These are people who you should not be in a relationship with. This has nothing to do with money. Granted, this could be a factor. But the heart of the issue has nothing to do with money. The heart of the issue is that you should not be with someone who believes that you should be working harder than them in the relationship.

They should know that you get what you give. That nothing comes for nothing. If they love you and if they care about you, they will put in the effort. They will not sit back and expect you to keep giving while they keep taking.

17. The world revolves around them

People don’t listen these days. There are far too many conversations that go on where one or both parties listen to reply. They don’t listen to hear what the other person is saying. They wait there for the next gap to come up where they can start sharing their opinions. They don’t care what you have to say, and they are just waiting for their turn.

This same type of person behaves similarly in relationships. They don’t care about what is going on in your life. They are not bothered that you have got a promotion. They do not want to hear about the argument you had with your friend. Maybe you are going through a rough patch and want to talk to them about it.

They will listen and then somehow bring the conversation back to them. They will go on and on about their feelings. They will wax lyrical about the problems they are having. They will one-up you. Nothing in your life will ever be more important or more severe than what they are going through.

These people drain you of your energy. They will make you feel like you are less important. They will slowly arrange things so that everything is about them. You will barely have enough space even to be a person anymore, let alone one with feelings and problems. These people will strip you of everything you have if you give them half the chance. Don’t give them a chance.

18. They impose double standards

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? This is what they say at least. The problem is that it is not always enforced. In fact, very often in relationships, there is one party that lives by double standards. They expect a particular kind of behavior from you, but they do not seem willing to treat you in the same way.

Now a person with a clear head would be able to see how unfair this is. But, people in love rarely have clear heads. Their love blinds them. They do not notice when their partner is emotionally manipulating them. They cannot see when their partner is invalidating or criticizing their emotions.

This is a toxic person. If you find yourself being in a relationship like this then what will happen is that you will start questioning yourself. The very things that you were most proud of are now things that fill you with shame. You are not sure if you are feeling what you are feeling or if you are just crazy.

You will feel less of a person. You will not be able to tell right from wrong and will instead use them as a guide. Their word is law and worst of all, and they do not follow that law. They get to break the rules, and another set of rules governs them. All are resulting in you feeling even more crazy and worthless. No one who loves you should ever make you feel that way.

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